Empathy is sometimes described as, “feeling with” someone rather than “feeling for” them. At a brain level, it is the production of mirror neurons; when we feel empathy with someone, our brain essentially seeks to mimic the neural activity of their brain. That doesn’t mean we can ever fully walk in someone else’s shoes, but a practice of empathy is about honing our ability to value someone else’s feelings, center their humanity, and get as close as we can to understanding their truth.

In this video, Brené Brown discusses some principles of empathy. Watch the Brené Brown video on empathy.

Even in calm moments, barriers can exist to empathy. Studies have indicated that we are less likely to produce mirror neurons for someone of a different race than our own. And it can be especially hard to practice empathy when valuing someone else’s story activates our own pain.

Empathy is not, as it is often described, a personality trait or a natural orientation towards goodness. Nor is it meant to override critical reasoning or systemic analysis. Rather, empathy can be viewed as a set of tools and practices that allow us to demonstrate care and understanding. And seeing the humanity in others helps us stay connected to it in ourselves.

Some of the exercises and reflection questions below will offer strategies for practicing empathy, especially during the moments when it is the hardest.

View "Dialogue" image by Lee Ufan.

What do you see in this image? The painting is called Dialogue (2018), one in a series by Lee Ufan. Upon first glance, it might appear that the “dialogue” depicted in the painting is between the two large figures, perhaps two single brushstrokes of different hues.

And yet, upon closer inspection, it becomes clear that dialogue exists throughout the piece. Each of the large figures is really made up of many meticulous brushstrokes (Ufan has noted that, for this reason, each painting in this series can take about forty days to create.) If the two large figures can be seen as “sides” with different orientations, a close look reveals that many of the colors on one side also exist on the other. There is dialogue at work within each figure’s many hues and brushstrokes, between the two large figures, with the rest of the canvas, and with us as the viewer.

Dialogue is a practice of building understanding through community engagement. Dialogue believes that there is wisdom found in community, and that when community members explore perspectives, issues, and questions through a framework of empathy and trust, transformative learning is possible.

Whereas many other modes of discourse seek either domination (“You are wrong and I am right”), compromise (“Let’s agree to disagree” or “Let’s agree on one minor thing and be content with that”), or evasion (“Let’s talk about something else”), dialogue is rooted in deepening relationships. It proposes, “Let’s deepen our understanding of and care for one another by exploring the roots of our feelings, opinions, and experiences.”

Paulo Freire–a founder of critical pedagogy–saw dialogue as a key mode for liberatory learning. He identifies several concepts that are crucial to dialogue:

• Humility: Dialogue is about partnership. Freire describes it as a way to name and re-create the world. This cannot be done from a place of arrogance. We have to not simply tolerate, but embrace the voices of others. 
• Hope and Faith: If we expect nothing to come from dialogue, we will ensure that outcome. We must be rooted in hope: for a different world than the one we have now and for a deeper relationship with those around us. We must have faith in humanity, even as we recognize circumstances that can challenge that faith.
• Love: Love doesn’t require us to suppress hard feelings. It asks us to know that those feelings can co-exist with a profound care for people and the world. As Freire writes, “If I do not love the world—if I do not love life—if I do not love people—I cannot enter into dialogue.”
• Critical Thinking: Dialogue invites challenging questions. It invites assessing what has been normalized–or made invisible–that should be disrupted. It seeks to motivate action to build a better world. 

Dialogue spaces often seek to embody these concepts by working to calibrate support and challenge. Transformational learning only occurs when we are asked to leave our comfort zones, but if we feel like we’ve been pushed off a cliff, our survival instincts will keep us from meaningfully engaging. Participants in dialogue often make agreements with one another about how they hope to balance these forces to build a space of healthy dialogue.

Some of the tools below can be used to seek a spirit of dialogue as you engage with fellow members of your communities.

To be in community with others doesn’t require being friends with everyone. It doesn’t require liking everyone. Or even knowing everyone.

Being in community does ask us to understand what values, commonalities, or shared goals bring us together. And it asks us to consider not just our own wellbeing or the wellbeing of our friends, but the wellbeing of the community as a whole.

Community integrity can absolutely be maintained through deep disagreement and hurt; leaning on empathy and dialogue can help us in that effort.

A healthy community allows all of its members to feel safe and nourished, express themselves, work through challenges, and experience growth.

During tense times, words, images, news updates, and other stimuli can produce strong and immediate feelings of anxiety, distress, anger, or sadness. Practicing strategies to acknowledge and manage these feelings can be helpful. 

Name It

Acknowledging our feelings can help us regain a sense of control and help others understand what we need. Ways to name what we are feeling include:

• “What am I feeling and where am I feeling it”: Asking this question helps us practice metacognition—self-reflection about our own mental processing—and understand how we are embodying our emotions. For example, “I am feeling anxious. I’m feeling it as tightness in my chest and heat on my cheeks.” Asking further questions can help calm us down; it won’t necessarily diffuse the feelings, but it helps us accept them. For example, You could ask, “How large is the feeling of tightness in my chest?” and answer, “It’s an area the size of my hand.” 
• In a conversation with someone else, starting with the words, “I’m finding myself feeling _____” can be a helpful way to invite your conversation partner to pay attention not just to your words, but to your emotions. For example, “I’m finding myself feeling defensive about _____; is it okay if I share more thoughts about that?” Or, “I’m feeling activated; I’d like to take a moment before I respond.”
• Journaling can be a great way to externalize your emotions, process instant reactions, and de-escalate without impacting anyone else. 

Pause

Giving ourselves adequate time can help feelings of activation subside and allow us to productively manage our emotions. 

• Box breathing: A breathing exercise, such as box breathing, can slow us down and get us in touch with our bodies and minds. To practice box breathing, breathe in deeply (through the nose) for four seconds, hold the breath for four seconds, and breathe out slowly (through the mouth) for four seconds. 
• Take a break: If you are in a space with others, excusing yourself for a moment can give you time to center yourself. 

Reflect

Spending time to understand what activates us and to prepare for feeling triggered can help us manage our emotions in the moment.

• Analyze: What has activated you in the past? Are there themes that exist across moments that have felt charged for you? Proactively asking these questions can help prepare us for future moments.
• Remind: Have some reminders ready to offer yourself during a moment of activation, such as, “I am upset, but I am safe.”
• Affirm: Show yourself kindness. Repeat a phrase to yourself that will help you work through what you are feeling. For example, “My feelings are important, but they don’t have to control me.”

Social media can be a powerful connector and tool for learning. It can also flatten nuance, embolden harsh forms of communication, and discourage accountability and empathy. For many of us, scrolling through social media has become a habit we may turn to many times a day. How can we approach our social media usage in a way that prioritizes healthy boundaries, curiosity and empathy, and wellness?

• Set time boundaries: There are apps and phone settings that can help you set daily limits on how much time you want to spend on particular social media platforms; consider using one to prevent endless scrolling. 
• Take a social media break: In addition to daily limits, consider whether giving yourself a few days away from social media (or a particular platform) might be useful as a way to give your head and heart a bit of a rest. 
• Move your apps: If taking a full break doesn’t feel doable (or necessary), consider moving your social media apps to a different part of your phone’s home screen. When it takes you a moment longer than usual to find it, it’ll serve as a reminder to ask yourself, “Do I really want to go on this platform right now?” The answer can be “yes” or “no,” but the pause to allow yourself to make an intentional choice might help keep you off social media during moments when it won’t be a healthy place for you. 
• Hide posts that upset you: If an account is frequently posting content that is very upsetting to you, consider temporarily (or permanently) hiding their posts from your feed. You don’t have to subject yourself to content that activates you. 
• Read with an empathy frame: Give yourself some questions to ask when you encounter content that doesn’t align with your opinions. For example:
  • Where is this person’s hurt/pain? It doesn’t require agreeing with someone to value their humanity and honor their hurt. 
  • What experiences, perspectives, and identities might be shaping this post? How will it help me to learn more about those experiences, perspectives, and identities? 
  • What intentions, feelings, or values am I projecting onto this person/post? Is it possible the author would describe their intentions, feelings, or values differently?
    • If a post bothers you, try reading it out loud. It’s a good way to catch ourselves projecting a tone onto someone’s words that may or may not have been the tone they were hoping for when they wrote it. 
    • Do particular words or phrases upset you? Spend time reflecting on how they make you feel and whether they might mean something different to the author.

In a charged environment, we might find that we are taking in information (comments, writing, news) from a protective posture, constantly looking for things we find objectionable. If possible, try to stimulate a curiosity mode that allows you to get closer to understanding experiences and perspectives beyond your own. 

• Where are we aligned? When you read or hear something and find yourself drawn to a point of divergence, pause to first acknowledge any alignment that may exist. Identify shared values and beliefs. This will make it easier to consider the points of divergence from a place of empathy. 
• Find fiction, art, and music that can bring out new ways of addressing difficult topics.

Try restating the argument, beliefs, or perspectives you read. Try to take this seriously. The practice of putting a viewpoint—especially one you disagree with—into your own words can create empathy and understanding.

Social media can make us all feel like we have to be personal public relations agents, releasing our “statement” on current events, lest we be accused of remaining silent. The platforms can incentivize sharing information from others, whether we know it to be accurate or not. Consider these strategies for thinking about community care before posting:

• Do I need to post? It’s worth asking ourselves this question as a way to clarify our intentions, reflect on our role in the social media landscape, and consider whether our online presence is contributing to healthy dialogue or unhelpful noise.
• Tone check: Try reading your words out loud (or even better, asking a friend to read them out loud) before you post. Of course, you are allowed to take on any tone you want, but this exercise can help do a gut check on how your words might be heard and felt by others. 
• Back and forths are rarely productive on social media. Consider what you hope to achieve before adding to a long chain of comments. Might it be valuable to invite someone to have a person-to-person conversation with you rather than arguing in the comments of a post? If you do decide to post, make sure to re-read your comment and remove any name-calling or personal attacks. 

Dialogue seeks to hold multiple truths and create space for understanding different perspectives and values. Understanding doesn’t require compromise or equivocation; it allows us to invest in the humanity of those around us. Consider these dialogue strategies for use with friends, student organizations, and peers in the classroom. 

• Pose open-ended questions that allow for vulnerability and personal storytelling. It’s hard not to care about someone when they share their story, whether or not you relate to their experience or agree with their points. Examples of open-ended questions include:
  • What’s a practice that has felt healing or nourishing for you during this time? 
  • What’s something you are hearing or seeing that is breaking your heart?
  • What is a feeling you are experiencing strongly right now?
  • Where is your heart open?
  • Where is your heart closed?
  • What is something you are praying/hoping for?
  • How can those around you support you right now? 
  • Rather than responding to a comment with your opinion (or a refutation of their opinion), try asking questions that get deeper into what you’ve heard. For example, “Thanks for sharing that with me. I’d love to hear more about that and how you came to that understanding.”  
• Try reflecting back the main points you heard from someone, and ask if you summarized their point correctly. This shows that you are listening, taking them seriously, and are working to understand their views. 
• Ask if the person you are speaking with has any new sources, books, films, or music that have shaped their views and that they’d recommend for you to check out.

Turbulent times can test friendships and strain peer relationships. Try leaning into strategies that root your friend and peer connections in mutual care, trust, and love. 

• Reach out to people you know to ask how they are doing and to convey that you are holding them close as a member of your community. You can do this for people who you agree with and people you disagree with. 
• Ask for an opportunity for repair: Have you and a friend/peer exchanged heated words? Reiterate your care for them, apologize for any hurt you provoked, hear their apology for any hurt they provoked, and discuss how you want to show up for each other as people even as you maintain your divergent viewpoints. 
• Practice appreciation: Even when you and a friend/peer do not see eye to eye, you can find and articulate gratitude and affirmation. Tell them what you admire about them. Thank them for sharing their perspective with you. Appreciate what they mean to you as a friend/peer. 
• Engage in joint learning: Invite a friend to be your partner in joint learning. Select some sources that you can explore together and discuss. Reiterate your commitment to deepening your relationship through dialogue. 
• Talk with your friends/peers about what supporting each other looks like during a difficult time. Supporting one another doesn’t require shared politics.

Classroom environments—where we may or may not have close and trusting relationships with our peers—can feel fraught. Whether or not your classroom environment engages in current events discourse, consider how to bring relational strategies to your learning space. 

• Get to know the professor: Go to office hours or request a 1:1 meeting to start building a relationship with your professor. Tell them ways they can support you, things that make you tense, and any concerns you have about the classroom environment. Approach this opportunity as a chance to build a connection with the person who is ultimately accountable for the learning environment.
• Get to know your peers: Ask peers if they are willing to share a bit about themselves during class. See if anyone wants to meet up before or after class. Try to build relationships with those around you so that discourse can be rooted in care and trust. 
• Set goals: Think proactively about how you want to contribute to healthy dialogue in the classroom discussion environment. Write some of those goals down on an index card and keep that index card on your desk during class. Glance at it before you raise your hand to speak. 
• Think about the potential for tension ahead of time: How can you be an upstander if discourse in the classroom becomes unhealthy? Think through the role you want to play to support peers if they are mistreated in the classroom, steer class discussion towards dialogue if it starts to get off course, and encourage those around you to stay rooted in empathy. 
• Make space, take space: Think about how much you talk in the classroom and how much you listen. Do you want to try to utilize the “two, then you” method of letting two others speak before you do whenever you feel the urge to contribute? Or perhaps you want to challenge yourself to speak up more and be a person who contributes to respectful dialogue. 

During challenging times, student groups can be even more important as spaces of comfort, trust, and community. However, they can also experience turmoil due to disagreements about actions to take (or not take), different opinions and experiences among members, and a lack of accountability when unhealthy discourse emerges. Here are some strategies to consider utilizing to prioritize empathy and care in your student group:

• Why are we here: Ask each member to write a letter to the group sharing what makes the group important to them. Read a letter at the start of each meeting as a way of grounding everyone in a shared sense of purpose, trust, and community. 
• Develop community agreements: Community agreements aren’t meant to stifle the ability of any member to fully and authentically express themself. Rather, agreements are norms that help a group maintain a culture of dialogue and support. They can be leaned on during difficult moments. Community agreements that a group could develop might address:
  • How do we define respect?
  • How do we want to create repair when hurt emerges? 
  • How do we want to ensure that everyone is able to have a voice?
  • How do we want to stay rooted in our group’s core values? 
  • How do we want to foster a space where members feel able to be vulnerable? 
  • How do we want to facilitate open and honest discourse? 
  • How do we want to practice care for one another? 
• Develop feedback mechanisms: Think about how members of the organization can give feedback about how they are feeling in the community, what support they may need, and any issues that the community should address. Consider utilizing multiple forms of feedback (anonymous and named, written and verbal, etc.) so that people with different communication styles will find a format that allows them to be honest. Make sure to take the feedback seriously. 
• Identify needs: Work with your student group community to identify areas of growth, change, or capacity building, and then consider what is needed to pursue those recommendations. Perhaps bringing in outside resources to lead the group in some learning would be valuable, for example. 
• Get to know each other: Prioritize the development of relationships among group members. Think about incorporating opportunities for members to share more about themselves during meetings. Consider creating a buddy system so that members have someone looking out for them. Do a speed dating exercise. Create a schedule for people to gather in small groups outside of meetings. 
• Foster repair: If there has been hurt or harm, think about what will be necessary to create an environment of repair. This could include 1:1 conversations, a group commitment to new norms, a chance for apologies, or administrator support. 
• Incorporate dialogue exercises: Build dialogue exercises into your club meetings. For example, you could utilize this listening exercise:
  • Have everyone find a partner. 
  • Pose an open-ended question, such as the ones listed in the “Strategies to Stimulate Understanding” section of this guide. 
  • Have one partner (Partner A) speak for two minutes. They should fill the two minutes and the other person should not interrupt. 
  • Have the partner who was the listener (Partner B) take 1 minute to repeat back what they heard in their partner’s response. 
  • Allow for a few minutes of open discussion, but instruct the pair to stay centered on Partner A and their response/feelings. 
  • Repeat the whole process with the two partners switching roles. 
• Practice affirmation: End every meeting with an opportunity for members to express appreciations for one another. Create “warm and fuzzy bags” where people can leave appreciation notes for each other. Create a new club tradition rooted in gratitude.