If I Wrote College Course Descriptions

Physics for Poets: This class is neither an “easy A” nor about the connection between Schrödinger’s cat, T.S. Eliot, and Cats.

European Art History: Study the great works of art and develop a newfound appreciation for Renaissance artists such as Leonardo da Vinci. Learn to channel the brilliance of this gifted artist by sleeping in your XL twin size bed in the pose of the Vitruvian Man.

Latin: Study classic texts and enhance your understanding of other languages, as well as gain crucial insights into your new favorite book, The Da Vinci Code.

Cryptography: Learn to encode ciphers and then start creating complex passwords for all your social media accounts, which you will definitely end up forgetting every time you try to log on.

Philosophy 101: This class will introduce you to the works of classic philosophers while preparing you for cocktail party conversations where men try to explain Hegel to you.

Architecture: This course will explore architectural space and design, as well as make you seem more like a protagonist in a groundbreaking thriller that features the iconic churches and museums of Paris.

Principles of Economics: Learn about consumption and production, inelastic and elastic demand, and other important economic terms so that you can allay your parents’ fears that you are only going to college to study the clues in Leonardo’s Last Supper and unlock the secrets to the Holy Grail. (Also, this class can help you snag an internship at an investment bank!)
 

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Creative Writing: Learn the craft of short story writing and critique your classmates’ stories, which all revolve around their dysfunctional families. Feel confident that your story about a crime that takes place in the Louvre is highly original.

East Asian History: This class will cover key political, historical, and cultural moments in Korea, Japan, and China. Despite this, you will keep asking your professor questions related to the cover-up of the real relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. When the professor politely mentions that this course only covers the region of East Asia, take this as confirmation that your professor is indeed involved in the cover-up and a member of Opus Dei.

Calculus II: While you would think that a sequel to Calculus I was unnecessary, Calculus II is a delightful addition to the franchise (don’t listen to the haters!) and offers a host of exciting new characters and situations, such as vectors and partial derivatives.

Colloquium on The Da Vinci Code: 10 prerequisites required for this course. Term paper includes analysis of Tom Hanks’ questionable hair choice in the film version.